Adua’s Guide To Life After Divorce #5

#5 Why Does It Still Hurt Then?

Happy New Year!! 

There is something exciting about the new year. I think it is all the resolutions we write on new notebooks using new pens. The resolutions we will do nothing about, but it is the thought that counts after all. I think that is it, the thought. The thought that we may suddenly become 'new' because the dates changed. Whatever the case, ride the good thoughts for as long as you can. Make plans though. Planning is better. 

I was going to write on helping kids deal with divorce but after a few conversations, I have decided to push that to the next blog. 

'I just realised that he didn't marry me because he loved me. He married me to piss off Catherine.' I did not know what to tell my friend. We usually have long conversations about everything and nothing. I always have something to say. I did not have anything to say after this. So I just kept quiet, (I am also fluent in silence). I let her talk. She did not sound sad, she did not cry. It was very clinical. Awry. 

 I knew it hurt. I know that hurt. It is not enjoyable. Coming to the conclusion that the man you had married, loved, given your body and given children did not love you, hurts like a mother.  

The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her 

― Bob Marley 

We live in strange times. A man sees a woman, a good woman. She is minding her business. He is horny, bored, lonely or whatever. He decides to get her attention. What gets a woman's attention than, 'I love you, I want you to be the mother of my children' or 'Babe, I love you so much, why should we use condoms? I want my sperms inside you babe!' And my favourite, 'Babe, it doesn't matter if you get pregnant, I want to watch your belly swell.' 

Suddenly, maybe even magically (because he will later claim he was trapped, you see he did not realise his sperms can turn into a foetus when it comes into contact with your egg) babe is pregnant. Everything starts moving fast. Traditional wedding. Baby is born. Church wedding. Another baby comes etc. You are a good wife. At least you think you are. You cook. Clean. Wash. Never have headaches. Entertain. Chauffeur. You are a secretary, motivational speaker, life coach, everything.  Something is missing though. So you go to church, they say pray and submit. You pray thrice a day and submit 'very much'. Your friend invites you to 'kitchen party'. Some overweight sexologist 'teaches' you how to have sex in a special way that 'keeps' a husband (Just allowing him to put his penis in your vagina is not enough!) You take notes and when you get home you open your mouth all the way to your throat. Someone else suggests you should go to the gym. Maybe it is the extra baby fat. You decide to combine with a diet. All or nothing. And why not change your hair? The young girls have this or that style. Do not forget to read all the books on marriage. Nothing works. 

One day you look in the mirror and you do not know who you are. You do not remember your dreams. You do not know what you like. You do not know how to smile. You cannot laugh. You are lost. You come to the realisation that he does not love you. He never will. You tell him you cannot continue this way. You are leaving. You know you deserve better. He does not stop you. You know you are making the right decision. 

Weeks, months, years later, it still hurts. 'Why does it hurt so bad? Why do I feel so sad? Thought I was over you..but I keep crying when I don’t love you...'  (Why does it hurt so bad~ Whitney Houston Waiting To Exhale soundtrack)  I think I know why it hurts. I think it hurts because you allowed yourself to be treated terribly. It hurts because you knew he never loved you like you were supposed to yet you begged for love, any love from him. I think it hurts because you did everything right and still it was not enough. I think it hurts because you realise that just because you are right, does not mean you are happy. It hurts because everything they taught you, everything you believed, everything you hoped for, your loyalty was not enough. It hurts because he used you, he played you. You were just a pawn in his game. He just walked in your life, played, got bored. And you allowed him in. It hurts because his life seems to continue. He seems to have never missed a beat. He seems to have got away with it. On to the next one. Wicked lizard! 

You can stop the hurt. Sometimes, no, most times. Forgive yourself. Feel the hurt and forgive yourself. Feel the humiliation and forgive yourself. It gets better. Try to remember the things you liked, the things you dreamt of, the things you gave up trying to save your marriage. Do them. Dance. Travel. Laugh. Read. Drink wine. Work. Go back to school. Sleep. Start the business. Whatever it is. Remember it and do it. It gets better I promise. 

Next week, we help our kids. We had to help ourselves first. You cannot pour from an empty cup. 

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