So you made it out. You are probably not divorced yet, maybe separated. The first one hundred days are tough, so are the next one hundred days after that, but the very first ones...those are terrible. You want things to remain the same just without him. Then there is family and friends you have to inform. Repeating the story over and over is not fun at all. If you have that one relative who loves spreading bad news, call them and tell them your marriage is over, ask them to keep the news of your separation quiet and let them do the work for you.
Most importantly though, you need to look after yourself so you do not end up crazy, dead or in jail. Here is my list of dos and don'ts.
- Sleep. Sleep heals. You probably barely got enough sleep in the days leading up to the separation. The fighting and arguing and crying. All this is very exhausting. Try to sleep naturally though, without the help of sleeping pills. You do not want to risk sleeping forever.
- I know it is tempting, but please, for the love of all that is good do not start abusing your ex on text. People have gone to jail for this. Some people say that you should write exactly what you want to tell him on a piece of paper, then burn the paper. The only part of that advice I like is the burn part. Otherwise it never worked for me. If it does for you please use it. If it does not, look for some physical activity to release that anger. I want to add, SAFE physical activity. We are not trying to die for anyone.
- If he has left you for another woman, do not, I repeat DO NOT look her up on social media. It will depress you. Whether she has a better body than you or not. If she has a better body, you may start harassing yourself with diets and the gym, if she is shaped like a croissant with legs you will begin to doubt your inner beauty, because why would he leave you for a croissant? Also, people tend to post their best pictures on social media platforms. So she will always look happy. This is not what you have prayed for her. You do not want to witness God not answering your prayers.
- Keep away from people who want to report his every move to you. Do not get involved. Literally tell them off. Some people like to watch you hurt and others are just air heads.
- Do get a male friend or relative to recommend a trusted mechanic, electrician and plumber. These fundis see a woman and think they have got bonus money. If they know a 'whole man' #eyeroll, sent you they will probably treat you better because of the man who sent you. I know it is stupid but we need to do what we need to do.
- You are going to lose some married female friends. Do accept quickly and move on. They will treat you like divorce is contagious or like now your next move is to take their husbands. If you are prepared, it does not hurt as much.
- Your ex's friends will hit on you. It usually starts by the offering a shoulder to cry on. Do what you want. I am just telling you so the next time someone comes with groceries because he just heard the devastating news you know what he really has come for early without going through the BS. You can then decide if you want to go through with the 'dance' or not. Time is money!
- If you feel you need therapy to cope, DO go to a licensed therapist. DO NOT got to church or any other religious institution. Those people have a way of making things your fault then putting you on a prayer schedule because God only made the one man for you and now you must pray him back. You never know, God may answer you prayers when you are in your 50s. The Lord will bring your ex back to you when he has diabetes. (Only diabetes if you are lucky) After spending the better part of your life praying, and him partying, you will spend the last part cooking special food and thanking God for this great miracle. (I have nothing against God, it's his fans I can't stand...)
- Music. Do get / make a playlist of 'heartbreak' songs. These songs will get you through some hard times. Especially when there is partaking of the wine. One of my favourites is Mary J. Blige – Not Gon' Cry That woman knows my life! '….Eleven years out of my life
Besides the kids I have nothing to show
Wasted my years, a fool of a wife
I should have left your ass a long time ago…'
- Do not be bullied into being happy when you are not happy. It is neither a sin nor is it illegal to be angry. Pissed as hell. Mad even. What is illegal is what you do in anger. Let us be angry but let us not stab people or things of that nature whether we feel they deserve it or not.
Next week, #2, The Rebound..for a minute there you thought he was the one....well...the second one...